Author Archives: oana

How to act empathically in conflict

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Research done at the Greater Good Science showed that empathy has a genetic foundation but as you experience life, you can enhance or restrict your natural empathic tendencies. Generally, the more empathy you feel, the more you are able to take your partner’s perspective into consideration. Yet, how can you still listen to the voice of empathy in times of conflict when other negative emotions may keep you focused on what you want from the other one?

Empathy, shortly defined as the ability to put yourself in other’s shoes, is for me the fundamental ability on which all the other abilities that make us human are built – compassion, kindness, sensitivity, love, positivity, etc.

Emotions researchers at The Greater Good Science Center define empathy as “the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling”.

Acting with empathy can bring benefits, such as:

-Helping others;
-Managers who show empathy have subordinates who get less sick and declare greater happiness at work.

In social and organisational situations when there is emotional distance between you, as the person acting based on empathy and the person to whom the empathy is directed, it may be more natural to follow the voice of empathy.

Empathy can have benefits in relationships as well by increasing the intimacy between partners and help them solve conflicts. The challenge in a love relationship is that due to close intimacy, you may feel more vulnerable and may get either into a very defensive or very offensive mindset.

When your mind is clouded with anger, it may be hard to remember even the word empathy, so much less how to use your empathy. Let’s say you’re arguing with your partner about how to parent your kids.

This is a great moment to practice taking your partner’s perspective even when you may not feel like it. To get motivated to start considering your partner’s emotions, it may help to think that both of you want the same thing: the happiness of your children.

When you accept this common starting point for discussion, you can try to let go of your feelings of anger and frustration, and focus your attention on the partner’s facial expressions and behaviour. How does he feel about this debate? Is he equally irritated? Is he talking in a higher tone of voice? Is he more open to compromise or is he trying to enforce his own point of view?

He may be more willing to start talking about a “meet me in the middle” solution if he realises that you try to understand him. So, how about asking him why he thinks that his way of parenting is better?

What is his main motivation for adopting that particular parenting style? In what style was he raised by his parents – more free or more dictatorial? What did he like about that style? And if he didn’t like it, what is it that he didn’t like about that style?

Listening to the answers can make you forget about your anger and frustration that he does not understand your point of view. When the anger and frustration are out of the way, only then, it is a good time for you to explain how you see it fit to raise your children. Some mutual compromises may be required but what’s most important is that overall, both you and your partner feel more satisfaction about the solution you came up with.

After each conflict resolution, you can consider what went well and what went wrong from the point of view of empathic listening during the discussions. If you are anything like me, it may be that you need to work more on anger management. In this case, you may think of a few tricks that you can apply to keep your anger under control in the next conflict.

You can also ask your partner opinion’s about how you handled the discussion. At the same time, you can let him know how he handled it. Remember to mention the things he did good in your view and what he said or did that made you feel that you’re not being listened to.

Eventually, both partners need to attune the empathic abilities to each other so that they can dance each other very tenderly and very long to the end of love, as Leonard Cohen sings in “Dance me to the end of love“.

Summing up, whenever you’re having a conflict with your partner, try to enhance your empathic abilities by:

1. Thinking of a common motivation that you both have for the respective discussion;

2. Detect your partner’s gestures and mood;

3. Ask questions to help you see what hides behind his openly stated arguments;

4. Express your feelings, thoughts and intentions;

5. After the conflict, muse on the aspects you are satisfied with and also those that you would like to work on further;

6. Ask your partner if he was hurt by something you did or said during the conflict.

7. Inform your partner about what he did that hurt your feelings during the argument.

8. Remember the lessons for the next conflict.

 

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How can we understand others better

Why we should be more careful about judging others

The art of helping through conversation

How can we understand others better?

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Can you really understand someone in terms of what she’s feeling, what behaviours she may adopt or what perceptions of the world she might have? To push the limits of human empathy, it may be helpful to consciously ignore everything you think you know about yourself and the ones around you and get curious again.

If we could all do that, the world would be a place where people lived in harmony, understanding each other’s inner worlds.

In reality, it’s more challenging to understand another human being on a deeper level, even those close to us! You may think that the longer you’ve known someone, the more evidence you have collected about what kind of a person she is. The historical facts show that she is decent and reliable.

Moreover, with the help of your empathic skills, you can feel how she feels and together you feel as one. But when you disapprove of her behaviour and get disappointed, you may feel that there is a world apart between you and her. Two close people turn into strangers.

You may not be aware of the fact that the disagreement regarding a particular behaviour can be rooted in moral values, cultural beliefs and other social conditioning that we are raised with and affects what we like and how we perceive the world.

Therefore, if we truly want to understand others, we need to become aware of our personal conditioning. For example, in Western cultures, when someone dies, it can be considered disrespectful if the close family of the departed one are wearing other colour than black. In Asian cultures, people wear white at funerals, which symbolises passing into heaven.

Now, what would happen if at a Western funeral, the wife of the deceased man wore red? Probably the rest of the close family would stop talking to her.

Getting rid of our conditioning may be a mission close to impossible for some of us. It may require years of meditation and spiritual search, which is not everyone’s cup of tea.

Alternatively, we can try to understand other people needs and desires and how they change over time. We do have the empathic skills that can be practiced to ask the appropriate questions about what others like and how they see the world. Once we are informed in this respect, we can learn to accept them without any judgement.

Maybe the widow wanted to express through red the intensity of her love for her dead husband? Or that she will still love him beyond death?

Above all, what counts the most is to look beyond behaviour and feel the true nature of a person. If the widow has a truly compassionate and loving nature, which reflected in the relationships with the rest of the family, then maybe the family members will focus on her affection and be less judgemental about her red garment.

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Why we should be careful about judging others

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Why we should be more careful about judging others

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Being judgemental about everyone and everything that happens around us limits our abilities to understand the diversity among the human beings. Judging the behaviour of neighbours, work colleagues or friends in front of others with whom we are in close relationships can be a personal choice to maintain the bond with those close to us. Even more, women who gossip are happier, according to a study at the University of Michigan. But, being judgemental with the loved ones can ultimately affect negatively everyone involved.

I doubt there is a human being who likes to be judged. At least, I and the persons that I know dislike to hear criticism from others regarding our actions and behaviours.

Why does it bother us to hear that we did something wrong in other person’s opinion? Are we afraid that our freedom of expression is being constrained? After all, it’s simply a point of view expressed by someone. Whatever the reason, we do get hurt by criticism and without being aware, we fight judgement with judgement.

Everybody is fast at judging others, and I am not an exception. It is human to observe and form opinions about the people around us, and especially those close to us will hear more of these opinions with less sugar coating. For example, a wife can tell to her husband, “You did wrong when you didn’t inform me about being late”.

The Bible strongly advocates for not judging others, “Judge not, and you will not be judged.” (Luke 6:37), “who are you to judge your neighbour.“(James 4:11-12)

“One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgement on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him.” (Romans 14:1-13)

The point of reference for judging is our inner world of beliefs, principles, and emotions. When other people actions don’t fit with our reality, we disapprove them.

We could try to refrain from speaking out loud our judgemental thoughts, especially to those people close to us. But if our tongues are tingling with words of judgement and we speak our mind, it’d be for everyone’s best to do it with reservation and with the presumption that our opinions are not the objective truth.

In the above example, when the wife scolds her husband for not informing that he’d be late, it would make a huge difference for the mood of both of them if she humbly assumed that she does not have complete information about what happened in her husband’s mind and what experience he had. So, she would be wiser if she asked, “So, what happened?”

Instead of snappy judgement, we could give credit to the other one that he acted based on his best abilities at that time. We empower the people we love when we show them that we trust them to manage their lives the best they can.

Admittedly, we would behave differently in the same situation, but everyone reacts in their unique way to the same event.

Therefore, by spelling out our judgements on the loved ones puts us on a higher moral ground and belittles their abilities to manage their life. This may result in relationship conflict where negative emotions, such as the sense of disapproval take time to sort out.

Relationships improve when we accept the differences in behaviour and actions between us and the loved ones. Asking questions with empathy and compassion sharpen our insight into the world of others and help us see that there is richness in looking at life through the lens of others.

Next time when we are tempted to be judgemental, let’s first try to understand the other one and then judge. If after understanding her husband the wife still wants to express her opinion, she could say, “I would have felt better if you called.”

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The art of helping through conversation

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Time to take, time to give

 

Why you owe to yourself to find your true self and what it implies

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Being yourself is a complex but very crucial aspect of personal development. The discovery and then development of who you truly are can take a significant amount of time and shake up all your relationships. You may even have to stop doing whatever you’re doing to earn your living and start a completely new career.

Your true self, that inner voice that lives in you ever since the beginning of your earthly life, is very well hidden by the teachings of your parents and school and the influence of romantic partners and friends.

You want to please your parents and partner by obeying their wishes of who you should be. You want to be a good student and work hard even for subjects for which you don’t feel any inner motivation. You want to be appreciated by friends and you change your behaviour and attitude appropriately.

The emotional need to be loved and the social need to be accepted and appreciated silence the inner voice of being who you truly are – the human being who came into this life to live in authenticity, integrity, morality and freedom of expression.

If you are lucky, it comes a moment when you are awakened and you feel how the inner voice is vibrating in your body and talking to your soul. It can be that you are awakened after a moment when you face death or after a painful break-up. Then, you feel the need to escape from the roles that you’ve played so far and to start living according to how your inner voice guides you.

This inner voice is your connection to God, to the Higher Intelligence, and if you are wise to listen to it, it will bring you to the home of Divinity with every experience you start living as being your true self.

The first steps towards being yourself require courage. You’ll have to manage the confusion and disappointment of the loved ones who will start witnessing a new behaviour. Their expectations on you are no longer fulfilled. They’ll have to learn to accept your true nature and this may be extremely difficult for them.

You’ll also need tact and patience with your loved ones until they learn to appreciate the real you and your way of showing how you love them.

You’ll need strength when some friends stop contacting you because they see in you a different person, around whom they may not want to be. Actually, it does not matter why they don’t need your company anymore. The important and valuable aspect is that whatever you do as your true self is in alignment with your divine being.

Your thoughts and emotions purify and they’ll result in beneficial actions as well. In time, you’ll be surprised how much happier you’ll be with your relationships and professional life.

Becoming your true self does not happen overnight but if you stay faithful to the inner voice, you’ll eventually manage to break free from old and toxic habits, such as the need to be praised for doing things in which you don’t genuinely believe. You’ll laugh with all your heart and you’ll feel truly alive and in communion with God!

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Writing down your way out of an upsetting health problem

Writing down your way out of an upsetting health problem

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When you face a serious health problem, you may experience a cocktail of feelings like disbelief, despair, regrets, fear, belief and hope. You start reevaluating your life. You may also feel genuine thankfulness about being alive, which may push you into taking a new direction of life as soon as you get well.

If health has previously been taken for granted, now you feel a deep appreciation for having a healthy body. Small and insignificant moments, such as watching a movie with the family or going for a walk on a sunny day, start to be special and genuine sources of joy.

The tormenting issues you dealt with in relationships lose their importance. They become tiny details of life in front death.

When you fight to bring your body back to balance, it’s a good time to write down your feelings in your diary or computer or wherever you feel safe to entrust your most intimate thoughts.

In addition to putting down on paper your emotions in such an upsetting moment of life, you may also want to embrace a new perspective on life by writing about:

What is the new person that you want to transform into?

What are you going to do in order to bring the balance between your mind, body and soul?

How do you want to maintain the connection between you and God (or the Universe or the Super Intelligence – call it however you wish)?

What kind of life would you like to have as a healthy new you?

How would you express your gratefulness for what you have in your life?

Who are the people and what are the activities that will take your time?

What is the first thing that you will do as the healthy new you?

Answering these questions (among others) is a part of the healing process. But there is something more. You’ll have to promise to yourself to commit wholeheartedly to make it happen.

When life gets back on the good track, you may forget about the resolutions you thought about when going through hard times. You may fall back into the trap of the old emotional patterns and behaviours. Reading your own thoughts scribbled down in times of pure gratefulness of life may remind you of the importance of continuing with the change of lifestyle.

When you get lost in the tiny details of life all over again, reading your thoughts originated in hard times may help you think simple – only health and love matter.

Reminding yourself how you envisioned your life in a moment of genuine appreciation of life is maybe one of the best ways to become aware of the personal blockages that keep you away from being the best that you can be in body, mind and soul!

How to deal with the doubt of a healthy baby

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You think you’re having a good life until the moment when you go to an ultrasound to see how your unborn baby is developing. You leave the doctor’s office stupefied, chocked, confused and with tears in your eyes. There is a 2% probability that your baby might have a chromosomal abnormality.  

You decide to do an amniocentesis test to find out with 100% probability if the baby is healthy.  In 1 to 4 weeks time, you’ll get the results. 

Meanwhile, going about your life as if everything is normal is out of question. How can you handle your fears and stress? 

If you are anything like me, you’d start talking to family and close friends. Not that it would change anything, but the affection and love that you feel from them gives you the strength to get off the bed in the morning.

In times like this, you feel even better how much your family loves you! You listen to your friends’ encouragements and you feel the positive energy and the strong believe that everything will be fine!

In times like this, you discover new sides of the relationships you have with all these wonderful people. You see how they use their personal believes to give you the best support that they are capable of.

You open up to them in your weakest moments and you discover more similarities with them than you would have thought you have before. One of these similarities is the belief that prayers can do wonders.

And praying many times a day, indeed does wonders. It makes you realise that your faith and your hope is much bigger than your fears. Come what may, but until the day when the truth is revealed, you have your hope to feed on.

Your hope can inspire you to visualise happy moments of the future and can diminish the stress of the present.

You are a human being thrown in the tumult of life, with its uncertainty and unawareness. This moment of waiting is a reminder that all you have is today. So how would you like to live today? How does it sound to spend the day dreaming about a happy tomorrow?

“Well, yes, but what if tomorrow does not bring happy moments?“, some skeptic voice may argue.

It’s probably a matter of personal choice, but if you were to choose between hoping in the present and worrying in the present, what would you choose? Tomorrow’s reality will unveil itself when the time comes. Why not embracing it with the courage and peacefulness brought by the hope of today?

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The art of helping through conversation

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The art of helping through conversation

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It’s never too late to admit that you make mistakes in managing a discussion with a friend or family member who comes to confess to you. Listening in the right way and asking the right questions can make her feel supported during the conversation. Yet, this sounds easier than it actually is.

When a friend or a family member opens up to me about her problems, I am inclined to chime in with my brilliant suggestions. I get excited that I know how to fix her problems. After all, “I know what she’s taking about, I’ve been going through the very exact experience!”

It took me half of a lifetime to understand that such thinking is a big mistake because it keeps a dear person from opening up to you.

It’s wrong to believe you understand your friend’s predicament. It’s wrong to believe you know exactly how she feels.

When you get confident that you know what’s her problem, you start listening only to the words.

But if you want to be helpful, you’d rather start by admitting that you can never know how a loved one feels about a particular situation. You may have experienced a similar problem. You may have a great connection with her. Despite all that, your subjective realities are different. You relate to people and the surrounding reality in your unique way.

Therefore, it’s safer to assume that you don’t know how she feels. You can only guess but keep it in mind that that’s only your perspective.

If you want to understand better her perspective, you need to empty your mind about your own experiences and points of view and listen as if you were born yesterday. This way you can refrain from giving advice. Even the advice based on the best intentions, puts the other one in defence and she’ll be even further from finding a solution to her problem.

Sometimes the advice can be said in a judgmental tone, which may make the other one feel belittled or disregarded, and ultimately not interested in continuing the discussion.

Instead, practice the best empathic listening that your emotional intelligence can allow. More important than the words that she’s using, the key to tuning into her feelings is to understand why she is telling those words.

When you understand the feelings that underlie the spoken words, you are able to ask questions that can help the dear one figure the problem out by herself.

Therefore, it’s crucial for an effective help to be careful with what kind of questions you ask. For example, when she tells you, “I am so tired to work long days.” instead of saying, “Why do you work so much then?”, it’s better to ask, “I believe it is tiring to work long days.” By repeating the words that the other one just said, you lay the foundation for empathic dialogue.

The latter affirmation is supportive of the frustration feeling and signals to her that you are willing to listen.

Since you can never know how another person feels, the least you can try is to understand what kind of emotions the other one experiences related to a particular issue. Asking empathic questions may help the other one feel she is not alone in times of trouble.

If you are clumsy with words or if your best listening does not seem to help, you can ask sincerely, “I’d like to help you, so please show me how I can do that.”

Being humble in relationships is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability, but a sign that you care about the other person and you want to build a strong and authentic relationship.

In the end, it may turn out that the best support you can provide is to be there with all your being. After all, the deepest relationship is when you can sit in silence and feel the harmony between your souls.

 

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How Faithfully Do Words Reflect Our Emotions?

The wisdom of the leaves

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At the end of the Summer, I start missing the warm days with plenty of sunshine and colourful flowers. To me, Autumn used to be the season that brings the cold and dark days, culminating in the freezing days of Winter. This Autumn, I opened my eyes to another aspect of the season which prepares the nature for hibernation.

I have the tendency to forget how beautiful nature is in the Autumn. The most talented painter could not paint as stunning an Autumn landscape as the nature does it. In October when the grass is still green, and the trees are changing colours, some of the early falling leaves masterfully decorate the grass, better than any interior designer.

Some trees whose leaves are sometimes golden like mini suns, and sometimes fiery, are so breathtaking that every single one of them would deserve a poem. I’d love to be the one writing a poem, at least for one. Unfortunately, their beauty puts a spell on my soul and silences my mind. I have the urge to kneel in front of such a magnificent tree and hug its trunk.

Some of the leaves that are scattered on the ground have not withered yet; they still catch the eye with their rusty colours. There is so much dignity in how they end their life.

There is also acceptance of the inevitable end, in the way they lie on the ground allowing people to trample on them.

Eventually, the less lucky ones are carried away by the wind to a place far away where they wither alone. They experience their last adventure during which they see a more dynamic version of the world compared to the static perspective they’ve been accustomed to.

But other leaves stick around the tree that nurtured them. That’s where they’ll dry out. But not before passing on the tree their secret – how they face the end with beauty and dignity.

The tree will guard their secret for the leaves that will bud the following year. At the right time, it will reveal the information to the new leaves, which will then know to put on their best garment before letting themselves fall into the unknown of afterlife.

 

Human connection – a beautiful and rare thing

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One of the most miraculous aspects of life is the human connection that people are able to establish with one another. When you feel emotional connection, soul connection or mind connection to another human being, life becomes more meaningful. Yet, strong connections are rare to find, especially when the people around seem to be satisfied living disconnected.

 

Loving someone with whom you have a strong human connection is one of the most precious gifts that life can offer to you. Feeling his moods, being able to read his thoughts, hearing him speak out the very same thing you yourself were thinking are examples of such a connection which is not a fiction of Hollywood movies. It can happen for real and when it does, you get the feeling of being one with your man and with God.

Having a sibling, a parent or a close friend with whom you exchange text messages at the same time or who calls you few minutes after you’ve thought about them give the feeling of belonging to a group of individuals for whom you’re important.

When an authentic human connection exists between two people, time and distance can’t weaken it. For example, on the rare occasions when I meet a former university friend who lives in another country, it feels very natural to spend time together. We talk as if we met yesterday – the connection is there, we just update it with the physical presence.

Human connection may be so valuable to me because I find it is such a rare thing to find. I live in a world where I feel disconnected from most of the people I interact with on a daily basis.

Based on Dr. Brene Brown‘s studies on human connection, there are two types of people. There are people with a strong sense of love and belonging and to whom it is easy to connect to. And there are other people who struggle for such a sense.

Intuitively, I feel that there is another type of people who don’t even struggle for a sense of connection because they don’t have the need to belong to anyone or anything. They are some kind of human lynx who enjoy the solitude of their fortresses.

How can someone with a strong need of love and belonging, survive in a place inhabited mostly by human lynxes?

To my mind, the solution is to never stop looking for people with whom it is easy and natural to connect. It may be as hard as swimming in the Grand Canyon, but it is worthwhile. Because a life without strong connections is a life spent superficially where people are just polite with each other (in the best case), but they don’t bother to tune into each other to feel their inner most beings.

There was a time when I was against social media as a means of connecting to people. After further consideration, I find it to be a great means to virtually connect with groups of people of similar interests. And if you are daring enough to meet some of these people in person, you may be rewarded by finding a friend for life.

Then again, strong connections can’t be forced. They are there before two people even meet. They only get activated when the meeting occurs. Therefore, until you are blessed with meeting such a person, pray in silence while you are living the best that you can. Serendipity can make it happen and while you’re waiting in line at the supermarket, you will meet someone with whom you will discover a special connection.

I believe you are meant to meet some people. They are like some fallen Angels who come into your life to cherish you and take you to your next level of personal growth.

So, if you are one of the people with strong need to connect and if you are surrounded by other type of folks, you should not stop believing that you’ll survive until the next encounter with a wonderful person with whom you’ll connect and sparkle!

I’d love to hear your perspective. How easy is it for you to connect to people? Why is it or isn’t important for you to connect to others?  

 

 

How can a family relationship continue after a big disappointment?

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Our relatives can sometimes disappoint us. However, looking deeper into the disappointment can bring you closer to truth and may be a stepping stone to a more authentic relationships.

 

The first stage of disappointment

We are tempted to believe that others are the way we perceive them.

This can happen especially among the family; a strong bond with a family member can make you blind to see the true nature of the other one.

The numerous memories might give you the feeling you truly know the person. But the memories are essentially static while the person is continuously changing.

In my opinion, if you assume you know how the other one will behave, you are setting yourself up for a disillusionment. It will come a time when you are taken aback by a broken promise, a lie, or an unexpected behaviour – something that does not fit your image on him.

In your reality, he is pure and courageous. How could he possibly do so such a thing to you? Disappointment settles in, erodes the trust in the other person, and it leaves you confused about what kind of bond you’re having.

“The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness and trial with humility.” Thomas S. Monson

Daily conversations of shared intimacy, which used to be something to look forward to, turn into superficial dialogues. The mind becomes suspicious and doubts even what can be the truth.

If this relationship was only friendship, maybe it would have been easier to let it go. But when a blood tie is involved, things are different. All those vivid memories of the past when you two were there for each other, when life seemed to have more sense when you were together, can’t be simply deleted.

Yet, the bitterness of the present disappointment taints those memories.

What does the disappointment tell about the other one and the bond you’re having?

“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” Henry David Thoreau

After living with disappointment in your heart for some time, you may be enlightened to see that there is another truth about the other one, you and consequently the relationship. Questioning the motives for which he disappointed you helps to see a bigger slice of the truth than before.

If before you felt you were very connected, it’s time to reconsider the space you are ready to give in the relationship. You need space to heal after the disappointment. The other one needs space to sort out whatever is going on with him.

Whether you want to have an open confrontation before taking the space, that’s entirely up to you and how you feel about talking about a sensitive topic when the wound is still open.

But, silently taking some space can help to ponder in peace over your feelings towards the other one and how can the relationship continue.

The foundations of the relationship have been shaken up, it needs new grounds to be rebuilt on. The other one may not be perfect, but hey, you are not perfect either. You may not make the same mistakes as he did, but most likely you can make other mistakes.

There are two important aspects in rebuilding the foundations of the bond. The first is the willingness to give another chance to the other one to be trusted. The second aspect is the patience to endure the suspicions until the trust is back.

The bright side is that when your perception on the other one is closer to the truth, your relationship is ready to move to another level with more authenticity involved.