Author Archives: oana

When expecting from others, remember the joy of not expecting

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Expectations on others can put lots of pressure both on ourselves and the ones we expect from. Even the expectations backed up by good intentions, such as “I am sure you’ll pass the exam.”, can cause more stress than calm to the person we want to support. Have you ever wondered how the lack of any expectations – implicit or explicit – can influence our relationships?

Expectations since early childhood

I don’t remember having any expectations as a child but my parents do. My aunt was one of the persons from whom, I was told, I expected gifts.

They fondly relate that I used to fumble in her bag for bars of chocolate. I don’t have any such recollection but what I do remember is the anticipation of the 18-year old girl who was about to start her student life.

Sixteen years later, I became aware of how much anguish, stress and frustrations originated from expectations on family members, friends, acquaintances and even strangers!

After turning 30, epiphany stroke – something must be done about expectations on others

It was high time to let people be as they want to be. For example, have you felt how enriching it is to pay attention to the true nature of those who are present in our lives? Setting them free from our expectations is an invitation to harmony in the relationships with our husbands, wives, parents, siblings etc.

It was high time for changing the way of communicating with others. Being in touch with our own emotions, clearing our head and speaking with the heart brings more authenticity in the relationships.

It’s true that for most of us, interacting with others without expecting anything from them is a goal which is hard, if not impossible to reach. Yet, even those of us who are overly stubborn and addicted to micromanagement can develop the habit of becoming aware of our expectations and ignore them.

Cultivate the joy of interacting with others

We can replace expectations with joy. The joy of communicating freely with another person without any constraints of the mind. For example, greeting our new neighbour cheerfully and ignoring the expectation that he/she invites us to their home warming party.

Joyous attitude brings along wonderful changes in our inner lives. Joy can transform us from being a fortress of expectations into an explorer of people, with their good and bad sides.

How about you? What’s your take on expectations on others? Feel free to express your point of view in the comments below the post.

Living without desires?

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Acceptance of what is is a wisdom which most of us have difficulties to swallow. Desires are built on the assumption that the surrounding reality is not satisfactory. We become spellbound to constantly long after our objects of desire. In the best case, we become aware of the fantasies projected by desires. So, what if there is some grain of truth in the spiritual teachings of accepting what is?

When we don’t get what we want

Desires can have good and bad benefits in our lives. Their ultimate effect depends on how aware we are of our yearning.

The positive side of desires is that they give the dynamic touch to life. Desires are about improved lives.

We set goals based on the wishes of our hearts and we try hard to reach them. We are happy that the best time of our life is just around the corner.

The less positive side of being in a longing state of mind is that we get stuck with planning the future, which may be a hindrance to living in the present.

Not to mention that when things don’t turn out the way we want them to, the feeling of being a victim of life appears.

Spiritual teachers such as Nirmala and Eckhart Tolle argue that acceptance of what is, is the way to sustainable happiness. Yet, for some of us, this spiritual wisdom may be difficult to understand, let alone to practice it.

For example, someone may think, “What kind of nonsense is that, to accept that I can’t make as much money as I want?”

Why do I want so much what I want?

When things don’t turn out the way we want them to, it may help to go to the root of the problems and ask ourselves, “Why do I want to be rich?”

A general answer would be, “Money brings happiness”. The next question is to ask ourselves why we think we would be happy if we were rich.

We may afford a bigger house or a more expensive car.

We can buy a higher value health care insurance.

We can afford to travel more.

We may be better treated by others.

We would be more covered in case of any unknown event in the future.

We would be successful then.

All these answers are assumptions about a future time, which can’t be controlled by any human being, poor or rich.

Life has its own flow, which shapes our destinies in other ways than we can possibly imagine.

As hard as it sounds, try to silence the desires for a day or two

Instead of becoming obsessed with the discrepancy between the perceived reality and our desires, maybe one day we’ll be inspired to listen what life has to offer.

Based on that, take what we feel it is in alignment with our inner being and live today.

The first exercise of acceptance of what is

Have we accepted our origins? Can we honestly say that we love our parents and siblings the way they are? Despite their faults?

When the answer is yes, then we have the first sign of acceptance of what is. From this moment on, we start building enriching relationships with them.

Enriching interactions with family members require humbleness and awareness to what happens around us. And gratefulness for the upbringing that we received.

What do we get when we have learned acceptance?

Eventually, I believe it is less important to get what we want. What counts for sustainable happiness is to know how to be at ease with the present despite that we may not have what we want.

After all, how can we know that what we want is really good for us?

What kind of effects do desires have in your life? Please feel free to share with us in the field below allocated for comments.

What is failure?

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In order to achieve wealth, humankind invented the concept of performance. Charles Darwin’s theory on survival of the fittest is confirmed in everyday life when winners are loved, losers forgotten. Despite all this, with each omission of performance, we have the chance to discover what is truly important for us. 

The other side of performance

The Merriam-Webster dictionary says that failure is “omission of occurrence or performance.”. Already in kindergarten, we are introduced to the world of performance, when we recite poetry, dance and sing in front of the audience of parents.

Our taste for performance develops as we go through school. Yet, in school we are not taught how to cope with failure.

We are motivated with grades and praises to be successful. The top students are the favourites of teachers.

When we start our working life, the mere presence of our boss is a reminder that we are hired there to perform.

Choose any profession and you’ll have a set of performance measures assigned to it. For example, doctors can be assessed based on the number of patients. Researchers can be evaluated based on the number of publications and the quality of journals where they publish their work.

What happens if we fail to perform?

Whether we are fired or penalised for bad performance, we have the opportunity to look at life from a deeper perspective. Even those of us who perceive themselves as performers are not defined by performance.

Our identity does not need to be based on profession. We may need to reassess what we are good at, what motivates us, what makes us tick.

Performance may play its role in the evaluation of progress in economy but it should not be confused with Life.

We are human beings with amazing potential to express ourselves freely and creatively. For that, we need to get out of the way the obsession with performance.

In my personal dictionary, failure is the opportunity to get in touch with our intuition and start acting based on it.

 

Bye bye sufferance, welcome mindfulness!

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Making changes in life is a complex process, which can cause lots of confusion. Mindfulness, the ability to focus on the present without being judgemental can help us manage the change in a healthier and more pleasant manner.

When we talk about change in personal life, mindfulness means mainly wrapping ourselves in the love inside and around us. At the same time, it is important to cultivate patience, courage and faith – pillars of mindfulness of change. 

What is the intuition telling you?

Now when the Spring is sheepishly showing its face, some of us can’t help paying attention to their inner voice which says, “A new stage of life transformation is waiting for you.”

It’s not the first life transformation you’re going through! Oh no! Your soul and mind remember how it is to be battered with self-doubt, insecurities and fear of failure. Agonising between the lows of disappointment and the highs of envisioned dreams, you may conclude, “Why bother! Life is good the way it is!”.

For some of us, life is good the way it is, and we are free to reply to our inner voice, “Why don’t you bugger off?”

Others say, “You know what, Inner Voice? This new life transformation is part of my destiny. Thank you for reminding me! ”

For once, we can make the change happen with less sufferance, and a more positive attitude to change.

Positive Attitude to Change

Love: Focusing on the love inside and around us is the anchor to the present.

Be present both with the body and soul to the dear ones who need us. Find creative ways of spending time together. Be receptive to their needs.

You may think you don’t have time. Well, think twice. Don’t underestimate the inspiration and creativity that spring from love.

Patience: Take the steps towards the new chapter in life, but do keep in mind that patience is a virtue. Be persistent and reassess your strategies.

Life transformation is a complex process that consists of different stages: hearing the inner call to change, searching for ways to make it happen, concrete actions, achievement.

Courage: Achievement means living the transformation. There is no such thing as failure. Each transformation brings us closer to who we really are.

The transformed life may not be the way we envisioned it, but it surely feels that’s the life we are meant to live.

Faith: Hold onto the belief that change has its own timing. Don’t be discouraged by the surrounding reality, which does not seem to point in the direction of change.

The way the first bird singing signals that Spring is around the corner, in the same way, the whisper of the inner voice shows that we will get all the help of the Universe to make the transformational stage happen.

Last but not least, take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the ride with all the bumps on the road! This is life!

How tolerant should we be with others’ intolerance?

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You’ve been hired in an organisation where after the first week, you find out that some colleagues and bosses are xenophobes. What is there to do?

Pretend that you don’t see how they belittle you because in their eyes you are less reliable and less professional?

You may want to punch them. It may feel very good for a few seconds, but maybe other approach may be constructive in the long run.

You can’t change others’ opinions easily. I consider it a waste of time. Instead, for the sake of your inner balance, you can embark on a journey of learning how to be tolerant with their intolerance.

The first step in the journey is to accept that we feel negativity caused by the tension between us and the xenophobic colleagues or bosses. Whatever happens, remember not to take it personally.

The second step is to remind ourselves that we deserve a working environment where we are accepted as human beings, irrespective of our nationalities, and where our professional skills are appreciated. In the current work place, the person who hired us must appreciate us. And there may be other similar people who can be part of our social network.

The third step is to do our job well. Focus on the tasks at hand. Don’t waste the time on the negative vibes at the office. Find ways to relax at work. Humour always helps. For example, print out on an A4 paper the following message, “I’m simply the best!“, and put it on your wall in the office.

If shit hits the fan and the xenophobic persons have too much effect on our wellbeing, then look for another job with an inspiring working environment. I know such places exist!

Walk away from the xenophobic work place as if you would walk out of a hospital. You met some sick people towards whom you showed understanding. Close the door to “the hospital”, wash your hands and smile. You’re back among healthy people!

 

Life as an Immigrant

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Some of us are like the trees. They are born in a country where they grow roots. Others are like the river, flowing into foreign countries of great expectations.

We get enchanted by the idea of breaking free from whatever makes us feel imprisoned back home. We get lured by higher levels of income and more exciting careers paths. Yet, we may forget one aspect: living in another country shakes up the core of our being, identity and believes.

We have two alternatives: either live in continual rejection of the new environment or accept it. Accepting the new culture means finding ways of adopting some of the values that resonate in us and being aware of the differences. After living as a foreigner for more than ten years, I am still struggling to understand the way of interaction between people in the new country, as I write in the Expat View of the Helsinki Times.

Living in another country offers the opportunity to embrace spiritual growth. There are so many cultures around this globe, yet there is a common beginning and end for each life. As for myself, I never left from my home country, but then again, I never stayed either. I guess I am like a bird, migrating back and forth.

If We Only Gave a Chance to Spontaneity

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As we get old, we lose the ability to react spontaneously to life circumstances. If we are the type of people who want to control their lives, we may not even have the desire to cultivate this ability. However, we may want to reconsider. Spontaneity may work wonders on our wellbeing.

Addicted to the agenda

Life gets better and then you die. As we grow older, we leave behind the insecurities and the lack of self-esteem. Well, at least we notice improvements in our inner lives as adults.

We are not fooling around anymore. Instead, we take pride in living according to tight schedules at work and in planning our free time. Has it happened to you to first grab your agenda when a friend asks to meet so that you can check when is the next free time slot? If yes, then it makes two of us!

We complain that life is routine while spontaneity is forgotten. A few days ago, a meeting was cancelled in the last minute. So there I was, panicking at my friend’s door, “What am I going to do now with two hours of no plans?!!”.

Stroke of inspiration

After taking a deep breath and counting to ten, I remembered about a time in my life when I loved to react spontaneously to circumstances. Spontaneity was fun! It was revealing sides of me I didn’t know I have! It was making me feel alive!

I wanted it back! So, I decided to walk back home, but on a route I hadn’t taken before. I looked at the buildings and nature covered by snow with different eyes. I searched for the beauty of the places that were unfolding. I let the sunshine cleanse my mind of the intoxication of the daily stress.

Life as an adult may be equally exciting as we dreamt of when we were kids if we allow ourselves a tiny bit of spontaneity. We’ll feel free to experience the life outside our agendas! We’ll feel adventurous to follow the inspiration of the moment!

Remember the childhood

Even if you prefer to plan your days, it probably does not hurt to reach into that exciting childhood memory where you had absolutely no clue on what was going to happen next. I believe it is worthwhile to go back to that moment and reclaim our power to be flexible to circumstances. Why is it worthwhile? Well, then, we can say that we lived intensely! And we maintain the sanity of our minds till we get old!

Friends Will Be Friends – Is It Really So?

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Some friends are there to stay. Others pay only a short visit in our lives. Even if some friendships are not meant to last in time, they teach us some lessons about ourselves.

Forever friends

The celebration of Valentine’s Day, which in countries like Finland, is called “Friends’ Day”, makes me think of the value of friendships. Each one of us has all sorts of friendships, with their particular dynamics and based on different foundations. We can befriend someone because he/she is considerate or funny or strong or sexy or knowledgeable or rich, etc. Most likely, there is one aspect about our friend which we like, attracts us and to a certain extent, makes us addicted.

I used to consider friendships as a publicly declared brotherhood, in which we pledge loyalty and sincerity.

Life has proved me that only a few friendships are forever. When a new chapter in life is approaching the end, some friends go as well. There is sadness and disillusionment, but before we have time to figure out what happened, new friends inaugurate another chapter.

What do we learn from the cycle of friendships?

To be humble. Our importance in the friends’ lives is minimal and temporal. We can pour all our affection onto our friends but at the same time, we need to understand that one day, they may very well leave without saying good-bye or slamming the door with an insult.

To celebrate each stage of our lives. In each friendship, there is something we have in common. For example, when I was single, I used to spend more time with friends who were single. Now, when I am a mother, I seek the company of friends who are mothers.

To apprehend our personal growth. Some friends are mirrors of ourselves. They possess strengths which are missing in us. In a way, these friendships are like a yin yang. This means that we also posses strengths, which our friends lacked at a particular point in the relationship.

To manage our vulnerability. We uncover a side of ourselves in each friendship. When the friendship ends, that shared side of ourselves feels like a wound for a while. Yet, sharing a part of ourselves is the most precious gift that we can give to someone else. For example, I like to imagine that I donated a painting of my emotional mood to a friend who is not part of my life any longer.

Not to take things personally. When we fail to understand our friends’ perspective, it’s a good time to remember that the way friends behave has nothing to do with what we did. On the contrary, it tells something about them, something that we didn’t see in them before.

How trustworthy are friendships?

Friends can betray us. They can reveal ugly sides. Yet, having friends is a main component of life. We laugh together, we cry together and we go separate ways.

Friendships may not be forever, hell, none of us is forever! But what would our inner lives be without the touch of friendship? As for me, what can I say? I am a lucky girl to have all the friends that I have had.

 

How Selfish Do You Think You Need to Be in a Marriage?

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And they lived happily ever after. What a wonderful ending for childhood stories. I used to close the book with a smile full of anticipation and naiveté. After many years of taking the face value of these stories, I finally understood their deeper meaning.

Why did the princess and not the daughter of the witch win the heart of the prince?

Well, yes, everybody, especially children need to hear about happy endings. But if we take a closer look at the true nature of the character of the princess, she is the embodiment of kindness, altruism, and compassion. In exchange, the daughter of the witch is mean and selfish.

Passion and the initial love may change over time. As Mark Twain said in his Notebook 1894, “No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century …”. Interests, needs, beliefs and physical appearance change. One aspect stays constant: the true nature of each one of us.

What helps to mitigate marital conflicts?

Research on Americans and Europeans shows that married people perceive themselves to be happier than single, divorced or separated people (Dalai Lama, The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living).

“I think that if one is seeking to build a truly satisfying relationship, the best way of bringing this about is to get to know the deeper nature of the person and relate to her or him at that level, instead of merely on the basis of superficial characteristics.” (Dalai Lama, The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living)

 

Maintaing a healthy and happy marriage is a journey of spiritual growth. As much as it is about discovering the deeper nature of our spouse, as Dalai Lama wisely pinpoints, it is about fighting the demons inside us. And the biggest demon is the selfishness which characterises each human being.

Being open to improve ourselves

A happy marriage is built on the willingness to destroy the selfishness, which is the cause of most of the conflicts. Instead of wasting the time on being angry and pointing our finger at the faults in our spouse, a constructive attitude is to remember that both we and our spouses want to be happy and don’t want to suffer.

The perfect love after a quarter of a century of marriage does not come by the grace of God. On the contrary, it requires patience and team work to discover the “deeper nature” of our partners. I am not an expert in happy marriages, but one thing I’ve learned so far is that living happily ever after means knowing how to turn the selfishness into altruism towards our spouses.

 

When Is the Last Time You Did Something for a Stranger?

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In some situations, helping others is not a question of having fun. It is a question of moral duty, which we have as human beings. There are two ways to look upon this moral duty: must-to-do or want-to-do thing. It may be beneficial to our happiness and personal growth if we embrace the latter attitude.

I don’t have time for myself, so much less for others

New York Times reported on a study done by Alan Krueger, a Princeton economist and four psychologists that finds that women perceive the time with their parents being similar to work. Tasks such as helping with the housekeeping or planning family gatherings with their parents are found to be less pleasant for women. Other studies find that modern women experience a sink in their personal happiness due to the increase of tasks they need to manage. (link to the article in the New York Times)

Some of us find time to go to the gym. Others invest time in finding out how to cook healthy food or where should they go in the next holiday. How about investing a tiny bit of time into cleansing our inner lives? Imagine how our lives would be with hardly any consuming thoughts.

As paradoxical as it may sound, it may help a great deal to get more involved in the community of humankind where we signed up when we were born. Being present for others around us means observing life as it happens. At first, it may be challenging because we are too engaged with our daily problems. Even when we don’t have a problem, our mind creates one.

The great news is that learning how to be aware of the people around us can be turned into a habit, just like any other habit. Starting with baby steps may be a wise decision. For example, we can start by learning to become aware of the people we pass by in the street.

A few days ago, something wonderful happened when I was travelling with my baby by bus. A middle-aged woman stopped right in front of us, gave an energising smile and said, “Hello”, to my baby.

He is usually looking at the other passengers with the curiosity of a child. The others do their best at avoiding eye contact, God knows where their thoughts are taking them. This woman not only noticed my baby’s eyes but greeted him with a spontaneous joy. For a few seconds, we stood there smiling at one another, forming a triangle of sunshine.

What happened after this short connection with a stranger? The numbness I felt was replaced by aliveness. My inner world turned into a space of joy and peace.

Our empathy, warmth and affection need training, just like our muscles

Make a baby smile.

Listen to an elderly person in the street.

Make room for spontaneous meetings with friends.

Keep company to your ageing parent when seeing a doctor.

Actions like these are maintaining the aliveness and spaciousness in us. Yes, it is very important to focus on our lives and to achieve our dreams. Yet, the meaningful and happy life is within our reach when we develop the habit of giving and receiving empathy, human warmth and affection.

There is potential for happiness in each one of us with so much creativity and positive energy. If we take some distance from our everyday problems and focus, for a change, on what happens around us, then we’ll find ways of releasing this potential!